Distiller Summer Camp Opulence 41 Year Old Single Malt

Let me gather myself for a moment (and clean off the blood streaming down my face)... So, I was startled awake on this beautiful, Easter Sunday by my usual FedEx delivery guy. He kicked in my front door, made a beeline to my bedroom and viciously stapled a VIP ticket to my damn forehead. I screamed again that I didn’t have any deliveries coming this week and he gave me that look. “Bitch, I stop here twice a week. No exceptions, and you know that.” He pointed to a large envelope with the words DISTILLER SUMMER CAMP embossed in raised, gold leaf letters on it. I plucked the ticket from my face and wiped away the blood, while peeling the envelope slowly open. I don’t think I was supposed to get this envelope. Inside was all the details for the Summer Camp program: whisky pours, music artist lineups, spa treatment schedules, etc. Well, what originally excited me the most was the musical lineup: UNTIL I READ THE FINE PRINT. The Black Eyed Peas? More like the two crappy ones: Taboo and apple.de.app (no Fergie, no Will.I.Am). It says Fergie’s parts will be sung by the first girl eliminated from Season 4 of The Voice. Who? The other male singer goes by the name Will.I.Aint. Then, for you alternative rock fans- Blink 60.667. If you do the math you’ll get it- only 1 original member of the band. The hip-hop/R&B artist: Froggy Fresh & Money Maker Mike singing their hit song “Dunked On”. Man, what the... Anyway, let’s look at the luxurious spa package. It says Whisky-based massage. Apparently there are 2 options: 1) David Beckham will perform full body massages on the men using his personal stash of Haig Club; or 2) Drake will do the same with his Virginia Black whisky, while humming his song “Best I Ever Had” in your ear (It’s rumored he even hums with a Canadian accent). For you lucky females, Ke$ha is offering a dental treatment using “a bottle of Jack” and Courtney Love will perform her famous slap ‘n tickle for a small fee. If you’re lucky, she’ll tell the story about how she convinced her ex-husband to kill himself. Hey-oh! As for the VIP pours, Macallan will be offering an ultra rare pour from the fifth bottle in the 1824 series (the ones named after the whisky colors): Crystal Macallan. It’s clear- just like what Pepsi did to their soda back in the early 90’s. Dalmore’s own Richard Paterson will be dumping full bottles of the Constellation Series on the ground and allowing you to drop on all fours and slurp it from the dirt. You ungrateful bastards. Bunnahabhain will be doling out tastes of its latest, unpronounceable NAS- Grevblumnich Thu Princh’shlockthurn-ow-ow-ow. Which is Gaelic for “the sound a drunkard makes when he slips off the curb and falls down in the gutter after leaving a pub”. There’s a few more VIP pours but I don’t want to ruin all the excitement for you guys. That said, I think I’m gonna pass on Distiller Summer Camp, but somebody smuggle me out a sample or two of the Opulence 41. It sounds interesting. Cheers.

This one time at Distiller Summer Camp... I know a guy who knows a guy who robbed some of the people @Distiller. So I got to try all 3 versions of this ridiculously limited release. I thought the claim of every good smell you can think of is in there was just marketing BS, but WOW! The PX Finished version has a cornucopia of delicious fruits, creamy vanilla, toffee and some others I’ve never had in a scotch. Pizza, Grandma’s meatballs, axle grease, thunderstorms, a wood shop and fresh wet cement. The red wine finish is full of red wine, but also white wine, rice wine, dandelion wine, red wine vinegar and every other wine you can think of. The biggest surprise was the Old Spice and Hawaiian dinner rolls and solid gold bars. Wow this is good. The port finished version may be the best one. Blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, boysenberries, cranberries, and every other berry you can think of. Jelly beans, cheddar cheese bagels, breakfast sausages, rough granite stones and smoldering cherrywood. The taste of each was such an experience that I think I saw Robert Burns descend from Ben Nevis riding a majestic translucent steed. When I again regained lucidity I declared to my wife and the EMS tech who thought I was having an epileptic seizure that these three were the greatest scotches to ever reach the lips of man. I do declare that nothing again shall ever smell as wondrous or taste as otherworldly as these three single malts...unless they release a 48 year version at 48%. I may just ruin my underwear if that day ever comes.

(sampled from @Generously_Paul's confiscated bottle) I never dreamed that I could feel anymore important than I already do! This whisky somehow made that possible, containing an entire meal that can be bought with a grad student's salary just on the nose! Mid-to-low tier wine, whiskies and brandies of all types, as well as a little gin, but only on Tuesday nights while watching Will and Grace because it makes me feel like Karen. The palate kicks it into high gear with red gummy bears, ramen, pine nuts (harvested manually from pine cones), and stray cat, smoked illegally on the balcony of a 3rd floor studio apartment. If I somehow manage to find another distraught @Distiller envoy with broken legs that I can convince to part with another taste, it would definitely be worth losing an afternoon in court testifying as a witness over! -1 star for E150 and chill filtration.

This one time, at Distiller Summer Camp...well, you don't need to know everything that happened, but this excellent dram was involved. We practically bathed in it; afterwards, we unwound in the Turkish baths (actually imported from Topkapi Palace in Istanbul and reconstructed), and then received our nightly rubdown with a special cream made from cask strength Port Ellen bottlings and unicorn tears. Heavenly.

I’m glad to be going to this summer camp. Sure, my kids can go to the YMCA summer camp and do swimming and other stuff, but not me...I’d rather give up my job for the summer and imbibe in whiskey all day and night for 3 months. Looking forward to my bottle of this !

I knew from the title on that this was an April fools joke, but as I was reading (and being entertained) I really wanted (most of) it to be true!!! ;-) well played distiller, well played. But make it (again most of it!) a reality please!! :)